My Miley Hater
by Ferdinand M
Summary: Brian and Stewie run into Selena Gomez when the Disney Channel sue Peter. Brian is disgusted by Selena until they find they have much in common. They both want to kill Justin Beiber
1. Chapter 1

**This is my episode: **

**My Miley Hater**

**Summary- Brian and Stewie run into Selena Gomez and team up-to kill Justin Bieber**

****_Brian's POV_

__Peter ran in and sat down next Lois on the couch. "Move everyone! Wizards of Waverly Place is on!"

"That gay Disney show?" Meg asks.

"Ya happy ya said that? Ya happy you made that comment. Fox doesn't censer everything!" Lois snaps.

"What was that Lois?" I ask.

'F***. That's what that was." Lois answers.

"Is-Is that a dog boner?" Stewie asks me looking-well, down there. "Is that a-? Ew! Are you f**king kidding me? Take that outside! Ew!"

"Shush!" Peter yells.

"Well Justin, you may need to use magic this time!" Selena Gomez says on the TV.

"Okay, everyone this my scene!" Peter squeals.

"Tell me again why you auditioned for Disney again?"Chris asks.

"Tell me again why this is the most you've been scripted to say since season five?" Stewie asks.

"Alex, you know-" David Henrie says on the screen as Peter silently rises from behind the couch on the set." Aw dammit, security! This fact guy's back!"

The camera moves to Jake T. Austin, who was smoking weed. "Bi*ch! Go back to Selena! Go-Back-to-Selena!"

"Will you just see what they're serving children?" I say. Stewie took out a cigarette and smoked it. "Are you smoking?"

"You think you so smart? You're voiced by Seth McFarlane! That's not something to be proud of b*tch!" Stewie snaps.

Kevin Swanson enters. "Eh Yo Griffin! We got yo mail!"

"I see someone's been listening to music." Lois says.

"Hey Kevin," Meg says.

"Who's talking to you slut?"

"Well, obviously this is not my episode. I'm going to do my Saturday routine." Meg exits.

* * *

Meg sits in her room. He, I mean she sits there with a Subway sandwich on her lap and earphones in her ears. The Kool-Aid Guy jumps through the wall and knocks Meg out cold. He silently humps her body.

Quagmire stands in the far left. "Well this is not a well time for-"

* * *

Lois looks through the mail. "Dammit, Peter! That damn Disney network is suing us!"

"God damn! We just can't win with these rich networks!" I say. "Somebody needs to write this down and confront it."

"Like write a-novel?" Lois says and everyone cracks up laughing as usual... Faster Than the Speed of Love was a mistake.

Meg runs down. "What I miss?"

Stewie takes out a gun and shoots Meg down.


	2. Chapter 2

_Brian's POV_

__Peter walks out into his car. He tries to turn on his car but it doesn't work. "Are freaking kidding me? This is worst than the time I ran into Steve Carell on the street!"

A moment passes.

"No cutaway. Whatever. LOIS!" Peter says.

Lois and I walk out to Peter. "Peter, what the hell?!" Lois snaps.

"God, this is worst since our crossover with American Dad." I compare.

* * *

Peter walks down a street and runs into Steve Carell.

"Are you Steve Carell?"

"That depends..." Steve says.

A navy seal jumps out of nowhere and shoots him. "We did it! He's dead!" He walks backward giving the middle finger to everyone.

* * *

"What the f**k was that?" Peter says.

* * *

In the Family Guy Cutaway Room...

"We're in trouble." One says.

* * *

"Anyway, I'm going to be late to the trial!" Peter says.

* * *

Stan Smith walks down the hall. He runs into me and head-locks me. "Believe in Jesus! Believe in Jesus F**ker!"

* * *

"Seriously, what the f**k s happening with these cutaways?" Peter says.

* * *

Peter puts on a helmet. Behind him is a large sling-shot.

"Peter what are you doing?" I ask

"I'm going to sling-shot myself to the trial."

"Oh, really? That's like the time-"

"Don't you do a cutaway. Bad dog." Peter sprays me with a water spray bottle.

* * *

On set of Everybody Hates Chris...

"This isn't Black people!" Chris says.

_"Everybody hates Chris!"_ the choir sings.

* * *

"We didn't even say anything that time! What the f**k?!" Peter says.

Peter gets on the sling-shot. He slings himself to Cleveland's house and lands in his bathtub. The house falls and Peter falls with the tub. "Now that does happen, it is not that fun.


	3. Chapter 3

_Brian's POV_

__The judge hits his gavel once more. "Get this dog out of here."

"Hey, I was here before." I say.

"Well read the new rules." the judge says. We all look over at the sign. It says: NO DOGS OR KOOL-AID MEN.

"Darn!" the Kool-Aid man yells.

"Okay, Peter Griffin, you are charged with 30,000 that must be paid to the Disney Channel. Dismissed."

As we exit I bump into Selena Gomez. She's really beautiful up close. "Oh sorry, Mr.-Dog?"

"Griffin. Brian Griffin."

"Great. I didn't ask, but great."

I see Stewie tugging on her shirt. "OH MY GOD! It's you! It's actually you!"

"Aw. Hey there cutie."

"W-will you sign this paper?" Stewie asks.

"Is this a map to the White house?"

"Sign it!"

"Hey why don't you put your phone number down as well?" I ask. It's worth a shot.

"Yeah, I think I will." Selena smiled.

She handed the signed paper to Stewie. We exited to my car. Selena went with her group.

"Why did you want her autograph?" I ask.

"I'm cloning her." Stewie says. "Why did you want her number?"

I shrug my shoulders.

"You're falling for Selena Gomez! You're falling for her!"

"No! I am disgusted by her. She works for Disney Channel. I just wan tot confront her and maybe get some coffee."

"And sex? Brian? Is that what you want? Sex?"

I punch him in the face and drive off.

* * *

"Hey there Selena, just calling again." I say to the machine.

"Sorry, but the machine has filled?"

"What? Already?"

"No."

I turn around and see Stewie standing there with his hand over his mouth. "She's not calling you back."

"You don't know that."

"Whill you take me to get uranium for the clone. It's hungry."

"What?"

"Whill you take me to get some uranium for the clone. It's hungry."

"Why are you saying 'Will' like that?"

"Like Whhat?"

"Now you're saying 'What' weird."

* * *

I drive down the road with Stewie int he front seat. "You know, it's technically illeagl for you to allow meto sit in the front seat."

I grab him from his football shaped head and throw him in the back.

I see a coffeehouse and I see Selena in it alone. "Hey there's Selena!"

"God, you're still hoping on this girl. Grow up! How's Jillian?"

I park and walk to Selena. "Hey Selena. Did you get my messages?"

"You left messages? Are you the stalker who sent me a picture of a dog drinking a martini? Isn't that animal cruelty? I hate that."

* * *

A dog puts up a camera. "Hello. this is Lindsey Lohan's dog. Please help. If you are watching please call 911!"

"Putches, are you here?" Lindsey yells.

"Oh god."

Lindsey comes in and drags the dog out of the room. "Pray for me!"

* * *

"What was that?" Selena asks.

"Nothing. So..." I look at Stewie. He has his arms crossed. "Do you understand what Disney Channel does to our children?"

Stewie shakes his head, his arms are still crossed. "Yes, I do Brian."

"Then why do you work for them?"

"Because. They're the only company that doesn't over-use Justin Bieber. "

"God, I hate him." We both say.

"Well we obviously have a nice episode ahead of us," Stewie remarks. "Yeah, I broke he fourth wall. Deal wit it Fox! Now here are the commercials."


	4. Chapter 4

_Brian's POV_

__I tie my bow and look in the mirror. Stewie enters.

"What the bloody hell are you doing?"

"Getting ready for Selena." I say. Stewie walks forward he sees the DVD i picked out.

"Is this horrible Bosses? Was this even on DVD when we filmed this episode?"

I could hear the ding-dong of the door. "Oh! She's here!"

Stewie trips me as I run down stairs. "Get a good movie, ass."

"Hey, Brian," Selena hugged me. "What movie did you pick?"

I pass her the disk.

"Oh, I'm in this movie, you know."

"So is Peter. You're not special." Stewie said.

* * *

In the Horrible Bosses movie...

In the hotel room, Peter rises in a back rain coat and shoots Dale in the chest. He slowly lowers off screen

* * *

Selena and I sit watching the movie. Selena's phone rings. "Aw, it's Justin." she says in disgust.

"Okay, let's do it. Let's kill them." Dale on the screen says.

"Are you going to pick it up?"

"Why should I?"

"Are you going to finish the popcorn in your mouth?"

Selena spits it out in her hand and holds it out for me. I chew it. She giggles. "It tickles."

"You know," i say between swallows. "You show set the boy straight."

"I know, but he doesn't listen, he's more stubborn than a mule at a club."

* * *

Everybody is dancing with the mule. A girl asks it: "Are you a Scorpio?"

"No!" the mule says.

"Do you date Scorpios?"

"No!" the mule says.

"Well why?"

The mule stop dancing and a pushes the girl to the wall with his head and keeps head-butting her onto the wall and in her stomach. "Hee-hah Bi*tch."

* * *

"Do I have to pay pay for those?" Selena asks.

"You know what? I think I'll help you with talking to Justin."

Stewie sits on on the stairwell with a shotgun. "Okay, just need some blood for the clone." Stewie shoots the gun and it hits the TV. "MOM! Brian broke TV! MOM!"

**Well, the next chapter Selena and Brian will start trying to kill Justin - Gun shopping**


	5. Chapter 5

_Brian's POV_

__We drive to Justin's house but the car breaks down. Selena calls Justin. "Justin, can you pick me up?"

"Sorry hon, no I really don't want to."

Selena slumps down in her chair. "Justin doesn't want to come pick us up."

"Selena, i hate to see you hurt like this." I say. "I think we should do something-"

Behind the bushes were Lois and Peter, "Like write a novel" they whisper and crack-up laughing.

"Selena I think we should-"

"Kill him."

"What?"

"Brian, we should kill him."

"Are you for real?"

"Yeah, I want to and that baby to help me kill him."

"Justin Beiber?"

"Yes. I want to kill him."

"Dang, you were straighter with this than a homophobic line."

* * *

A straight black line stands there. "I'm a straight line. I'm straight line, i like woman!" He sings. A purple wavy line enters. "No! Get out of here gay wavy line!"

* * *

I roll up in the gun store with Selena and Stewie. "So, what gun should we use?"

"Shot." Stewie says.

Selena walks to the clerk.

"Stewie, you need to lay off."

"What?"

"Stewie, you need to lay off being all smart about the guns. You're making look dumb in front of Selena."

"Listen, Selena Gomez will never like you. No matter how dumb I make you look."

We follow Selena to the actual gun section. Selena gets a shot gun and loads. it.

"You're good at this."

"This isn't the first time I've tried to kill someone." Selena says. "Why do you think Miley Cyrus isn't on Disney Channel. Are you two getting guns?"

"I have already have a load..." Stewie says.

We pop the trunk and I find whole load of guns. "When did you do this?"

"I've spent 90 percent of the series trying to kill Lois. What do you think?" Stewie says cocking a hand gun.

"So," I say grabbing a gun. "Let's kill this kid."

"We can't just go kill him." Selena says.

"We need a plan, Brian." Stewie says.

"Oh, yeah I knew that." I say. "Well, Justin Bieber days are limited." I say tried to cock a gun but I end up shooting it into the sky brings down E.T.


	6. Chapter 6

_Brian's POV Again_

"Okay let's take this from the top!" Stewie says.

Selena and I are sitting in desks like we are students. Stewie is writing on a chalkboard.

"Selena, goes to Justin's house and enters. I will be in the bushes and I'll shoot him from a distance. He will drop to the floor and Selena will drop to her knees to help him. She shoot him in his chest her gun she was hiding. Brian, your do the driving."

"I think I should call 911 after I kill. Say somebody shot him. Throw them off their trail."

"Names: Brian: Dog, Selena: Bi*chBird, me: Mr. Kill Lois." Stewie declares.

"What? Mr. Kill Lois?" Selena says.

"Names: Brian: Dog, Selena: Bi*chBird, me: Mr. Kill Lois." Stewie declares.

"Dinner's ready!" Lois yelled.

Selena, Stewie and I walk down stairs. "Oh, I didn't realize there was another lady in the house."

"What about me?"

"Where make-up once in a while." Lois snaps.

"Actually I don't wear make-up" Selena says.

"Well you just lost your last female friend in this room." Lois says.

"What about me?" Meg asks again.

"God, your more deaf than that girl from Switched at Birth." Lois compares.

* * *

Daphne and Bay, the girls from Switched at Birth, sit on a couch...

"So you're deaf?"

"So you are slut who hits on my best friend mid-season?"

Meg stands to the right of the girls. "Did you say something?"

The girls sit there staring at her.

* * *

Peter enters. "Where's Meg?"

"In the last cutaway." Stewie answers.

"So, Selena? Should we get going?" Brian asks.

"I think I'll go. So can stay here with you family." Selena leaves.

"God, why do you people scare all my girlfriends away?"

"Selena's not your girlfriend." Peter says.

"What?"

"Selena's not your girlfriend."

"Yeah." Lois agrees.

"Selena's an acquaintance." Stewie adds.

"At least." Lois says.

"No. Selena and I have been on a lot of dates."

"Once our job is done, she'll be gone." Stewie says.

"Yeah, haven't you seen Tom Cruise's wife."

* * *

Peter runs into Tom Cruise and his wife on the street.

"Oh, my god! Your'e Tom Cruise!"

If you look into His wife's eyes. In one eye it says: 'HE' and in the other: 'LP'

She blink then they say: 'M' and the other: 'E'

She blinks again and Michael Jackson moonwalks through her pupils.

* * *

"Where's Chris?" Peter asks.

* * *

Chris is knocked out. There is a big whole in the wall. the Kool-Aid Man is slowly humping Chris. Bonnie is standing in to the right. "Dammit! I'm late!"

"I already tried that." Quagmire says next to her.


	7. Chapter 7

_Brian's POV (Damn, don't we have any other characters?) _

We pull up into Justin's driveway. "Brian, what are you doing?"

"Parking."

"You can't park at the victims house when we're gong to kill him." Stewie declares.

"Oh," I say back up a quarter mile.

" Selena," Stewie says. "It's your time."

Selena exits the car.

"Stewie, what's in the backpack?" I ask after she leaves.

"The clone."

"Why'd you bring the clone?"

" When don't you need a clone? Haven't you seen Jumper?"

* * *

In the Family Guy Cutaway Room...

The guy from before is smoking weed. " Yeah, we're ignoring his cutaway. Deal with it!"

* * *

"I can't believe we're about to kill Justin Beiber. You know how many girls will be heart broken?"

"One, what the f*ck? We've spent the last 25 minutes of this show planning to kill him and now your turning back? You pissing off a lot of people at fox." Stewie says.

* * *

A fox is sitting on a couch watching this episode. "Ha!"

* * *

" I need to go." Stewie exits.

"Be careful, I'm pretty sure Micheal Jackson's on the loose."

* * *

A hunter is trying to shoot Micheal Jackson in the woods. The Hunter's son is watching the hunter place his gun. Michael is eating leaves like a deer. The hunter misses and Micheal Jackson runs off with the Hunter's son.

* * *

"Wait!" Brian says after Stewie leaves. " Why does Justin Bieber live in Quahog?"

* * *

A clam is watching this episode on a couch. "Ha!"

* * *

Stewie is sitting behind the bushes with a gun. Selena is talking to Justin. Brian is smoking in the car.

Stewie raises the window and shoots Justin. Justin falls and Selena takes out her phone. " 911?! Justin's been shot! No, Beiber. Maybe Timberlake could die if Mila Kunis will let him die."

* * *

Justin Timberlake is about to hang himself. " Justin are you here?!" Mila Kunis enters as Justin jumps off the chair. " Oh no! Not on Ghost Whisperer night!"

"Did someone say my name?" Jennifer Love Hewitt says standing to the right. Mila reaches in Jennifer's chest and pulls out her heat and shoves into Justins chest.

"Dammit." Justin says.

* * *

I farts nice and loud. " Brian! Start the car!" He sees Selena and Stewie running to him.

"Dammit!" I say trying to fan it away.

"Where to?" Brian says storming off in the car after they get in.

"The beach." Selena says.

* * *

The three walk alongside the beach. A flock of seagulls take Stewie and fly off with him.

"Selena, what now?"

"I think I'm just going to go. Somewhere. Now that Justin's gone."

"Is this the last time I'll see you?"

"I'll be back." Selena says kissing me. " Maybe."

She walks away. The birds drop Stewie. " What the hell was that?! Those birds seriously just picked me up and flew!"

" Hmmm," I sigh. " Hey? Where's your clone?"

" F*ck!" Stewie yells.

* * *

Joe arrives on the scene with the cops. He opens Stewie's backpack and sees the clone. "Well this only means one thing."

* * *

The cops arrest Miley Cyrus at her house. " Dammit, daddy! It's happening again!"


End file.
